Freedom and Loneliness

"You come home,

Make some tea,

Sit in your armchair,

Your heart's curtain lifts,

The scenery is falling apart,

With silence all around.

And then, that one light flickers!

Everyone decides for themselves whether that's freedom or loneliness."

I recently started doing something that I wanted to do ever since my father scolded me for making coffee at 2:30 am in the morning: live alone. Although I grew up in a family with only 3 members, me, my mother and my father, I still wanted to live in a place where I wasn't asked to compulsorily make my bed when I woke up. Now, living alone in your early 20s is probably the best thing that can happen to you especially if you necessarily crave for loneliness. It's a shot at having complete control and independence over all the important decision making processes of your home that you didn't have because of your parents. Even though, some might consider it to be a worst thing to experience, but for the loners and introverts, it is a total bliss. The thought of living alone might be terrifying, but once you experience it, it isn't that bad. Yes, it does get lonely at times. But there is a certain kind of beauty in that solitude which you can enjoy only if you let it absorb you. You finally figure out what you actually enjoy doing and only then you take the control of your own life.

Now, people may consider the meaning of 'alone' with all sorts of bleak sentiments like loneliness, depression and unhappiness. But not a lot of them know what solitude actually guides you towards the path of self-discovery, self-sufficiency and decreased pettiness. A new sense of independence, increased need for socializing, getting to learn about what and who actually matters to you are few of the many things that you that you get to experience once you start adjusting to you new life.

Here are a few things you encounter when you start living all by yourself:

1) You will think too much.

There is silence all around. And silence brings thoughts with it. Deep, depressing and anxious thoughts. You will spend most of the time in self-reflection and realize things about yourself that you never thought before. Most of them will be stupid and unhelpful but soon, you learn to filter out the unnecessary ones. After a while, you learn that you're really only the person you need to get over things and life's craziness doesn't seem that scary then. 

2) You'll face some of your worst fears.

There are some strange and scary sounds sometimes around your apartment. But soon, you get used to it. There comes a time when you don't eve bother to wake up when something drops in the kitchen. You finally make peace with the fact that ghosts don't kill people as if they did, they probably would've hurt you by now. 

3) You have the freedom to dance like a lunatic, sing out loud or bath without closing the bathroom door, if that's your thing. 

You can do any weird crap which you wouldn't normally get to do when you live with, well anyone. Although, not closing the bathroom door seems pretty weird, but it is actually amazing. 

4) Your social life improves.

Although, some might worry that living alone might make you a loner but that's not the case. When you live alone, you think. You think about the people that actually matter to you, a lot. After a brief self-analysis, you realize the worth of your friendships and relationships. And you start making efforts to keep them alive, even by going out of your comfort zone. 

5) No sharing of food.

This is my most favorite thing about living alone. There is no need of sharing food with anyone. You can bring a piece of cake or chocolates and keep them in the fridge and they won't get eaten unless you want them too. Also, no one judges you for wasting the food or over-eating pizzas. 

6) The dirty dishes remain in the sink even when you wake up in the morning.

When you live your parents, you can just put the dish after you had your dinner in the sink and when you wake up in the morning, they are automatically cleaned. But not when you live alone. This is probably the worst part about living alone. But soon, you learn to deal with it. Just the thought of sleeping without cleaning the kitchen makes you worry. 

   

The Last Rhyme

A chasm for its seeker,

A misery for the heartless,

A delight for the benevolent

And magic for the masses,

I guess a sad poem is sad for a reason.

I, of all the people, should've known that.

But fortunately, you were the one,

who made me realize that.

I guess we are all drunk on the idea that love,

Only love, can heal our sadness.

And I searched for love,

Unfortunately, I didn't find it.

But you made me realize that,

You don't find it.

It finds you.

Somehow, Somewhere, Someday,

It finds you when you least expect it.

And you have to handle it carefully.

Because it breaks even the most beautiful hearts!

I didn't care if it broke me in pieces.

I just wanted to be glad that it found me.

But there was something scary about it,

It was the fire that lightened up with feelings that haunted me,

How the love came out of the flames,

And the words came out of the ashes.

It was after that everything I had written turned into songs,

And only then,

I realized that you gave me the greatest gift.

You filled me with words

That I didn’t know about.

You blushed like an ocean in love,

Wild in blueness,

Drunk on the belief that there is no tomorrow,

And of all the millions of beautiful words that I knew,

You were the one who taught me

What being alive truly is!

Maybe there is a reason,

Why you crossed my path,

To make everything sound poetic, sadistic and charming!

I wish I could write more about you.

I wish I could stay alone and still let the world know,

How hauntingly beautiful you are!

But I can’t.

Maybe now I have forgotten what it’s like

To hold a hand,

To feel a heartbeat,

To just talk into the hours of night!

Although I still believe.

I still believe that the right poem finds us,

Exactly when it needs to!

Now the world will never know about the chaos.

No one will ever know about these words.

But you will.

With all my silly little dreams,

I’ll sink deeper and deeper,

Staring up at the beautiful sky,

Remembering how your skin felt like light!

Every time the silence gets loud,

I will pour a drink,

And even if I know the past won’t repeat itself,

But I’ll make it very sure,

That at least it’ll rhyme.

Words.

'Your mouth can spit venom or it can mend a broken soul.It all depends on the words you speak and every single one of them has the power to make both the extremities come true.'

A hundred thousand languages, each defining a thousand million words. An intermittent linkage between your heart and your mouth describing what your eyes desire the most, words have a very rigorous power to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate or to humble any living soul. We live and breathe words. Words can light fires in the minds of men, they can bring tears from the hardest hearts. Words are the creator, the creator of relationships, of our universe, our lives, our reality. Without words, a thought can never become a reality. They have the power to build people up and to break people down. 

The Last Train

Sitting on a bench, I hear,
Nostalgia strumming through the walls around,
I failed to catch the last train home,
Much like most of the times,
When I fail to hurry right after things start to leave,
I should’ve asked them to stop,
But I kept searching for reasons,
Trying to figure out one answer,
Between two opposing things,
And like the train, they didn’t stop,
I just kept watching and they left.
That night I learnt how hard it is,
To be alone on a cold night,
With no-one to stare at,
Black coffee with no sugar and two cigarettes,
I could feel the trouble coursing through my veins,
With not enough nicotine to relieve me of my pain,
The desolation kept growing,
There was a straight path ahead of me,
And it was going to be a long journey,
I didn’t want to be alone,
But there was no one I could be with,
And believe me,
I have followed loneliness all my life,
Every moment was like a bitter end,
Caught up in circles of flashbacks,
And memories became even darker,
Things could be easier if I took the right path,
If only there was a right path.
Is this what I asked for?
I know life’s an endless story,
But it isn’t the never-ending part that haunts me,
It’s the part where we are stuck in strange places,
Trying to crawl back to reality,
We all need someone to lean on
To help us to find a  way when we are lost,
But not all of us find them,
Not all of us are lucky enough,
And I realized that I was the loneliest person that night,
Thousands of thoughts came to my mind,
I wish I had someone to travel with,
I wish there was someone I could hold right now,
But what if this isn't the time for me to go home?
Home might not be my destination for now,
Maybe I am destined to go somewhere else,
I needed another coffee and a cigarette,
Hours passed and thoughts kept coming,
I saw the next train,
But it wasn't the right one,
I knew if I got on that train,
I'll go somewhere,
Not home, but somewhere.
There were so many things I wanted to do,
To run away from everything,
To run away and never come back,
To find someone far away from here,
And start from the beginning, again.
Haven't we all had thoughts like this?
But something stopped me,
It was hope.
The belief that everything was going to be alright,
That I was going to find the answers,
That everything was going to be balanced at the end.
Half a dozen trains came and went while I kept watching,
Surrounded by a million thoughts,
And no-one to talk,
Destiny painted a clear picture of my life on that night,
That was exactly how my life had been,
I knew I was never going to love anyone,
I knew I will always fail to catch the last train,
I was going to be alone most of the times,
All I had to do was not to lose hope,
And wait for the right train,
And wish for the things to become alright,
And then I saw the train,
A smile came on my face after a long time,
I was finally going home.
There were 7 cups in front of me,
And so many cigarette butts
I couldn't even count,
I got on the train and somehow made it home.
When I got back,
I wasn't the same person.
In that one night,
I grew a bit older.
I knew exactly what kind of man I was going to be,
I knew exactly what kind of life I was going to live,
I knew exactly what kind of story I was going to write.

Roommates

Its been more than a year since I've lived with roommates and I must say, living in a single bedroom to sharing a single room with 5 people was quite an exhilarating journey. Roommates teach you a lot of things, right from hardest chapters in the textbooks to the most depressing phases of your life, they are right beside you to tell how how badly you've fucked up and also how to get out of it. Their constant abuses and insults are the constant reminder of your past mistakes. In a way, they stop you from making the same mistake twice by reminding you again and again about it. They are the most annoying cunts you ever meet. They eat your snacks without asking, pile up their clothes on a chair and make your room smell like a garbage disposal. Every roommate gets weirder day by day. The more you get to know them, the more you know what a terrible person he/she is.

Almost all the sitcoms I have watched have one thing in common, all of them are stories of roommates. Joey and Chandler, Monica and Rachel, Ted and Marshall, Sheldon and Leonard; the list is very long. The reason is quite simple. You don't live an ordinary life with roommates. Your life becomes one hell of a sitcom. No matter how worse the situation is, your roommates will always find a way to make it funny. They know the most embarrassing stories of your life, they know the secrets that can destroy you, they know the moments which have defined you and also, they know the people who have changed you. You share one of the most important part of your life with them and not just important but also a memorable one. And this part of your life is made up of hundreds of fights, thousands of little talks, millions of jokes and billions of memories.

  

Here are some of the moments which you get to experience when you live with roommates!

1) You will never get bored. You will do the stupidest shit just to pass the time. All you need is a crazy roommate and your life becomes one great ride!

2) But sometimes they are so much annoying that every word that comes out of their mouth is irritating.

3) They are the first ones to post mean and embarrassing comments on your instagram photos. 

4) They use all your stuff without asking. Yes, it does make you angry, but that anger is only for a moment. So after that, they continue using it. Most of the times, you don't even get that stuff back.

5) There is no such thing as "your food". When your room-mate craves for snacks, you have to give it to him. There is no way that you can hide it. That is completely against the roommate-code.
In this case, Joey HAS to share his food.

6) You ruthlessly judge someone both of you hate.

7) Also, the two of you together form the worst team as both of you are so much dependent on each other that no one takes the responsibility.

8) Your morning starts with stupid questions and sarcastic answers.

9) There is different kind of happiness in sharing the most intimate details of your life.

10) You ask the dumbest questions without the fear of judgement.

11) They help you in all your life decisions, right from which photo to post to taking major career decisions.

12) There are some weird moments which make only the two of you laugh.

13)  They set 5 alarms and still fail to wake up if you don't throw water on their face.

14) You always prefer to order food rather than cooking it yourself. ALWAYS!

15) Sword-fighting never gets boring no matter how old you are.

16) You both have to pay for the mistakes, even if it isn't your mistake.

17) According to every roommate, his/her roommate is the stupidest person in the world.

18) They literally turn your room into a garbage disposal.

19) It is okay to be the third wheel on one of your roommate's date.

20) Roommates are cheaper than therapists.

21) There is always someone to hug you when you need it the most.

A perfect room-mate has never existed and never will. We just have to adjust to their irritating habits because they aren't just our friends, they are more like our siblings!

  

Bookaholics

Words, sometimes, in some of the books are so marvelous that they can shape your feelings and emotions through a sprinkle of imagination. The writer writes about a protagonist who goes through both pleasant and troubling experiences making it to the end when they have more strength and experience. But in reality, the reader is the actual protagonist and the story is set in the mind directed by words drenched in emotions and carved by the collisions of hypothetical imaginations running in the reader's head about the future with the one actually written by the writer.

A pleasant escape, a hope to exit from the monochromatic world and enter into a world completely made of fiction through the aroma of crisped ink pages which make you curl your fingers and toes in anticipation, sending tingles of spark down your spine, thinking about the protagonist and analyzing how the story could have been completely different if you were in their situation, have you ever felt that? Well, if you have then you are really a bibliophile or the common people may call 'a nerd'.

The pages are lifeless but still a bookaholic finds a soul in them, in those words, which the writer has given birth to and the characters, which are immortal for the readers. They are basically magic, for those who believe in getting lost from the sense of time and surrounding and you become so familiar with the flaws and quirks, that fiction in there becomes reality. And when it ends, they might take time to recover from the depression that arrives.

Here are some of the words for the readers who believe that words are magic:

1) If there is a book written for selectively social people, then Perks of being a wallflower is the one. The ending of the movie made from the book is probably the best endings of all times.

2) 

3) 

4) 

4) 

5) 

As Kafka said, 

"You don't need to leave your room.

Remain sitting at the table and listen.

Don't even listen, simply wait.

Don't even wait.

Be quite still and solitary.

The world will freely offer itself to you

To be unmasked, it has no choice,

It will roll in ecstasy at your feet!"

"For some of us, books are as important as almost anything else in the world. What a miracle it is that out of these small, rigid squares of papers unfolds world after world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet or excite you."

-Anne Lamott

A year away from home!

Many bands in the world have one thing in common, most of them, right from American Authors to One Direction and even singers like Passenger, Michael Buble, etc have composed at least one song named 'Home'. I never really understood the obsession of musicians with the word 'Home'.

It was after one long year of living in hostel and listening to all these songs with the same name over a thousand times was when I realized what 'Home' actually meant. Most of us understand it only after living away from it for a while. There are many emotions linked to it and no matter wherever you go, you do miss it.

At a particular point of our life, we have to go away from our home. Freedom is the most appealing thing of leaving home. Its worth to try new experiences and you do enjoy when there is no one to stop you from spending an entire night outside roaming anywhere you want. You learn a lot of things after leaving home. You meet new people, learn a few new things, make a few poor life decisions and most important of all you learn to embrace change. 

But there is a stage, when nostalgia strikes, all you want is to go back. 

Here are few things which I realized after spending a year away from home:

1) You are free and that's why you are lost. 

You follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly and sometimes you find yourself lost in the path. There are no restrictions and you have all the freedom you need. It might be a good thing. But with no restrictions comes carelessness. You might reach your goal but in the process, you leave and lose behind so many things that can't be recovered in the future.  

2) No place in the world can give you the comfort that you get in your bedroom.

3) No one in the world can replace your mother. You will never find anyone who will care about you like she does.

4) No matter how much money you have at the beginning of the month, you will never have enough to spend in the last week.

5) You will rarely reach anywhere on time. Between managing all the things, you will suck at time-management every time.

6) Rolling a joint is an art. Just because your friends know how to do it, doesn't mean you have to learn it too! There's no need to try new things out of peer pressure. 

7) You can't just make assumptions about people living with you.

The people who live with you, they aren't just your friends or room-mates, but they are more than that. They are your temporary family members. There might be differences. But adjustment is the key. After all, when you are away from your home, these are the people who you can rely upon when you are lost. :)